This moral life is the narrower path that truly does lead to the most joy in your life and the most contentment in your soul. Worst case, the superior moral path is going to help keep you out of jail, help you avoid multiple divorces, and help you avoid the anxiety that goes along with always trying to hide or get by with something. The "yoke" of living as a good moral person is truly a much lighter burden than trying to live a life of crime, sexual immorality, cheating, and hurting others. This is truly the life of abundance of love, joy, hope, and great relationships.
Heavy Questions
How does my desire to enjoy life fit with abiding by a good moral code of ethics?
What is right and what is wrong -- and how do you decide this?
How do you do what's right -- especially when faced with temptation?
What level of perfection do you require of yourself?
How do you handle it when you don't do what's right?
These are some heavy questions. We all have to consider these things and the answers we come up with make a major difference in our happiness, joy, success and fulfillment in life. You won't come away from reading this with all of the answers, but it should at least be helpful to take five minutes to consider the ideas presented here.
It's very possible that you are especially interested in this article now because there has been an issue in your life. No matter how hard you try, by the way, you are going to make some mistakes in life. Take the 10 step advice (and order doesn't count too much -- jump to what helps you the most) here:
First, accept that everyone is going to make mistakes. It's the way people are. In fact, no normal person gets through very many days without doing something that's a problem.
Second, accept this "fact of life" as normal and put yours in perspective. Some mistakes are worse than others in terms of the damage they do to others, so try as hard as you can to avoid these. Many of these mistakes have their own consequences, but you don't need to "pile on" by condemning yourself as totally evil, irredeemable, possessed by the devil, not worth living, etc.
Third, don't turn one mistake into a downward spiral of additional mistakes or self-hate. Depending on your natural tendencies and upbringing, your problem is going to bother you a little or a lot. Some young men have very strong feelings of guilt and conscience. Others don't take everything to heart as much and "move on" more easily. Some worry about things for months or years. Others get over it very quickly -- possibly too quickly. Set a time and level limit on continuing to blame yourself.
Fourth, try to break away from your emotions for a few minutes. Take about 10 deep breaths, count to 100, pray, do some push-ups until your arms ache, sprint until you can hardly breathe, mow the lawn -- anything positive that physically breaks your current mindset. Do not resort to physical action like hitting something, tearing stuff up, cursing, driving fast and furious, getting mad at your loved ones, etc. Pick neutral or positive, high focus, and high energy diversions.
Fifth, try to take a more rational look at yourself that includes the good things you have done. Make a list of about 20 things you have done in the past, or things you know you can do in the future, that are actually good. Instead of beating yourself up so much, make sure you balance things out. You need to be on your own side here -- or at least be an impartial Judge. You may not want to fully accept the role of Defense Attorney in your "trial" about the nature of your mistake, but you shouldn't completely be the Prosecution against yourself, either. If you don't feel that you can do this on your own, appeal to a good friend, a parent, or, if you are Christian, Jesus.
Sixth, say you are sorry -- in person. Tell yourself you are truly sorry for doing the thing you have done. If it is wise and won't cause additional damage to the offended party or won't cause useless damage to yourself, directly and in-person tell the person who was hurt. Do this in person! Don't do it via a text message or email because these can easily be misinterpreted (even with emoticons) compared to face-to-face interaction. Try not to do it over the phone, even. Do it in person so they can see that you mean it and so you can make adjustments in your delivery or words if it isn't having the right impact. Also, if you are a believer or Christian, confess and "repent". Make it a real "I'm sorry" vs the fake apologies we see so often in, say, politics.
Seventh, accept forgiveness. Accept forgiveness from the the other person if they offer it. Take them at their word. If the other person doesn't forgive you, you still need to forgive yourself and, if you are a believer, accept forgiveness from God. You need to forgive yourself and accept forgiveness from a loving God regardless of whether the other person forgives you. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. "To err is human, to forgive is divine." per Alexander Pope. You should forgive yourself. You should accept God's forgiveness.
Eighth, learn from the experience. Think deeply about what led up to the situation. Think about why you did what you did. What values did you previously hold that led you to the decisions you made? What were you feeling -- and why? Where did the temptation come from? Where, and in what camouflaged or enticing form, might it appear again?
Ninth, determine to not do it again. Decide and visualize, in advance, what you are going to do when faced with the same or similar situation in the future. (You should use this technique in many areas of your life, by the way.) Make a list of "red flags" that will signal you that trouble might be coming your way -- and how you will respond next time. I often hear a voice that says something like, "I probably shouldn't do this, but..." or "I don't think this is too smart, but..." or "This is very risky, but..." or "My ______________ (any significant other in your life) wouldn't like this if she/he knew about it, but...". These are red or yellow flags.
Tenth, move on and be a better person than you ever were before! You won't be perfect, but you can be better and stronger than ever.
Anticipate the main temptations, challenges, decisions, and compromising situations you might face in the next day or segment of your day.
Ask for spiritual guidance, courage, wisdom, faith, etc.
Think about creative, tactful, caring, loving and opportunity-minded options for your response.
Decide, in advance, what you are going to do -- including options and flexibility as the events unfold.
"Red flag" sentinel warning in your subconscious mind to get your attention when a tempting event is unfolding or upon you.
Pray or meditate or count to 10 before taking action or saying something.
Do it with faith that doing the right thing will be good for your soul and character as a loving and caring person -- and that will be enough.
The best time to think abut what might be coming your way is at the very beginning of each day. You will be doing yourself a great favor if you spend some time praying or meditating every morning when you first get up. You should include some thoughts about what you are going to do that day and how you intend to handle these things.
If, for example, you know that you are going to be challenged by a manager about something you did (or should have done) in your job (or teacher in school, etc.), think about how you are going to handle it (2, 3 and 4 above). You will do much better than if you just walk into the situation without preparation.
This is useful in almost all situations (even those not specifically involving moral choices) and extremely useful in areas of temptation. Instead of suddenly, without preparation, finding yourself faced with a
Ideally, we could live perfect lives. However, we really can't -- so just give it up. Perfection is, as they say, often the enemy of the good. Instead, shoot for the best you humanly can do -- probably 99% in critical areas and 90% in day-to-day other areas. In many circles, it was, and still is, very popular to ask, "What would Jesus do?" (WWJD?). I changed this to "Who does Jesus desire/require/inspire me to be?" in my thinking because, frankly, I didn't have a chance of living up to what Jesus would do. Come up with your own ideas on how to handle this, but you are going to make mistakes.
The need to be perfect paralyzes people, limits human relationship interaction, and stifles many opportunities involving risk/reward trade-offs. You may have experienced this in school with Math -- where trial and error is such a vital part of the learning process. Those afraid to make a mistake don't experience the full understanding of how the problems are actually solved. Students trying to achieve a perfect GPA become so risk-adverse that they don't don't even take courses where they could learn the most.
These points aren't being made to encourage immoral behavior -- just in case someone is getting the wrong idea somehow. The point of this is to encourage you to give yourself a break if you do happen to make and mistake and to set character goals for yourself that are actually achievable.
If you want to feel honest about this self-forgiveness thing, make sure you are also forgiving toward others when they make mistakes. It makes you feel like a real hypocrite if you hold others to a standard of perfectionism and, yet, have a completely lower standard for yourself. (This applies to marriage relationships, your workers if you are the manager, your view of politicians, and many other areas as well -- but that isn't the point of this article.)
So, even though there are those who would implore you to be perfect, just realize that this is an aspirational idealized goal -- not a practical possibility. We can aspire toward perfect behavior (like never swearing or getting angry), but we aren't going to get there. It simply isn't going to happen. So, set a lower goal and be satisfied with your life as you grow toward it. If you take a step backwards you are just normal.
Don't expect that there won't be consequences if you make mistakes, but you at least don't have to make things worse with unrealistic expectations. There are, of course, lines you do not want to cross. These require a very high degree of vigilance and extremely high standards. Loyalty to your wife is an example. there are many others. Just be aware that the downside of slipping in key areas can be extreme and, even, life-threatening. Avoid these "at all costs".
Whether you have been fully conscious of it or not, you are constantly making decisions involving your values in life. Good decisions can lead to success and happiness. Bad decisions can lead to trouble, frustration and guilt. Short term will often have to be weighed against long term. Many times, the "eternal" and soul will be in conflict with the worldly and immediate satisfaction.
It can be very unsettling to not have a fairly clear idea of what's right and it can be very time-consuming to come up with your own moral code. Most people take a lifetime -- so don't be concerned that you don't have everything figured out.
Some people just decide to make a career out this and become professors of philosophy. While Socrates was credited with saying, "The un-examined life is not worth living.", most people choose to make a decision to live life as well as spend time thinking about it. This article is focused on helping young men who would are thinking about a moral code so you can live a better life vs. "life examining" as an end in itself.
There is no way that a short article like this can provide the answers of right and wrong for you, but here are some short cuts:
Think about the "Golden Rule" and how it would apply to your life and various situations.
Examine the Ten Commandments.
Read the teachings of Jesus in the New Testament -- along with some help from others. Whether you believe in Jesus or not, many of the moral standards of the modern world are based on His teachings.
Ask those you admire most where they get their guidance from -- and read biographies of great leaders.
Look at standards that have been adopted by the societies (often found in their founding documents and constitutions) that seem to be most caring, loving, compassionate, and successful.
Look at standards adopted by organizations or professions you admire -- such as the Boy Scout oath, law, motto and slogan (despite failures of some leaders to abide by these). Nursing, for example, has a Code of Ethics you might want to read and consider relative to how these ideas might apply to your life.
Interpret, adjust, and combine these until they make sense to you and you really feel them in your gut as being "right".
You can look into some famous philosophers as well, but be aware that this may get very complex very quickly. If you are an action-oriented person, the seven ideas above will serve you well enough to get started and be successful almost immediately. If you are the "philosopher type", you can use the ideas of others while you continue your in-depth study.
What isn't recommended it that you throw out everything that humankind has already worked through over the centuries and "start from scratch" with a blank slate. We wouldn't do this with math, science, agriculture, medicine, etc. Why would we do this with our moral code? It simply takes too long and is too dangerous to start from a blank slate. If a certain standard worked for others, we should at least consider that there was some wisdom in it. On the other hand, shouldn't we try to learn from others' mistakes if their moral code or standards led to disaster, death, hate, broken hearts, and a general mess?
Do your best, but don't expect perfection -- either in your actions/words or in finding the ultimate answer about right and wrong in all circumstances.
Anticipate the temptations and challenges -- and decide in advance what, in love, you will say and do.
Forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and forgive others.
Remember the "Golden Rule" of doing, in love, to others as you would have them, in love, do unto you.
The life of abundant joy and love truly belongs to those who walk the narrower path of righteousness.