No one said this is going to be easy…
Let me start this article by saying that being the most loving, caring, forgiving, loyal (very hard to overcome infidelity), and encouraging person in the life of their mom’s (your wife’s) life is number one in the process of being a good father or dad for your children. You won’t be perfect, but ask yourself if you are #1 in all (or any) of these areas for your wife. Ask yourself if what you are about to do or say with/to your wife is positive in this regard. This is a high bar and quite a “load” for a single beginning paragraph on fatherhood, but it is the primary key to everything else below.
Now, you may be divorced or having major marital problems. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be a good dad or father – so keep reading. Just be aware that it is going to be very much harder if the relationship with the children’s mom isn’t strong. So, even if you are dealing with an “ex”, try to put the animosity and competition behind you as much as possible. Try to work as a team for the good of your children.
With that behind us (but don’t forget the above as you work on these), here are some things I believe you should strive for in order to be a good father:
1. Example in Your Own Life
2. Encouragement
3. Advice and Correction – But Calm and via Gentle Questioning
4. Security and Financial Support
5. Working, Playing, and Communicating Together
6. Values and Faith/Hope Foundation
7. Enjoying the Process
Example in Your Own Life
Some things don’t need a lot of explanation or extra words. We all know that children learn more from what you do than what you say. (So do employees, friends, etc., of course.)
So, “do it!” and don’t expect that you are going to easily overcome it if you act one way and preach peace, love, hope, work ethic, not giving up, compassion, holding your tongue, cool under pressure, being nice, forgiveness – and, very importantly, joy in daily living.
Encouragement
Who else does a child have around them to let them know that they are loved, have potential, are forgiven, and can find joy in living? There may be others that come and go in their lives, but the dad is either #1 or #2 in the entire world. Things said by parents stick with children like they were carved in stone.
So, while you do need to provide discipline and correction at many points in parenting, make sure that they can’t quote you in years to come with too many judgmental pronouncements that are put-downs or overly severe reactions. Make sure that their library of key “dad sayings” regarding their character, prospects, future, effort level, intelligence, abilities, and responsibility levels are heavily balanced toward the positives, hope, and encouragement.
Current worldviews pushed in the media of today’s society are probably as negative as they have ever been. They are being taught more “gloom and doom” about Climate Change, for example, than those of us Cold War kids who practiced nuclear bomb attacks by hiding under desks at school. The media might have them thinking that racism is even worse now than when Blacks were slaves. You may disagree with me on these issues, but be aware that the constant drumbeat of negativity is beating down on the attitudes of your children – and someone they admire (you) can help balance this out. You can help them understand that the news is focused on the negative -- and news and politics benefit from promotion of panic, distrust, division, and disaster as norms. Even if disaster in politics, world hunger, peace, etc. is your current belief, be aware that passing this along to your children will not result in positive hopeful joyfulness.
Be their biggest fan and encourager.
Advice and Correction – But Calm and via Gentle Questioning
Giving advice and jumping in to fix situations are things many of us (men especially, I believe) seem pre-disposed to. Each of us needs to be aware of any “leanings” we might have in the direction of over-reaction to fix and talk forcefully (yell?) – especially when temperatures are high immediately after a problem surfaces. It is always good advice to “count to 10”, pray, “walk it off”, call a friend, etc. before reacting. Once you are calm, then handle the situation.
Unlike the less-physically-intimidating (in most cases) mom, we need to be aware of potential bullying, “mansplaining”, or child worries about use of physical force. We also need to eliminate being tagged as the “when your dad gets home” enforcers – if possible. If the mom has threatened punishment “when your dad gets home”, be very aware that you should almost always err on the side of peace and calm vs. escalation – and make your own choice about how you proceed after careful investigation and listening to both sides.
Choose positive remedies (like “sit right here with me and do your homework”) instead of physical punishment or “go to your room” (where your kid has his/her hands on a world of entertainment options). How about exercising together, mowing the lawn together, washing clothes, cleaning dishes, blowing leaves, shoveling snow, tutoring their brother, etc.? Be creative with togetherness opportunities vs violence, knee-jerk, or predictable (like “timeout”).
Advice giving is not always, or usually, in negative situations – thank goodness! I just wanted to address the correction aspect first in case you didn’t read any further.
So, on the positive side, the father/dad has many opportunities to guide the child in the life-choice areas of dating, school work, career, friends, drugs, alcohol, athletics, fitness, dress, cleanliness, sex, etc. Here are some ideas on how to be effective:
The main technique you should use in this regard is the example you set via your own actions. It is tougher to “walk the talk” than to preach, but your example speaks volumes vs. anything you say.
The second most important technique is to use open-ended non-accusatory questions when the opportunity arises. Don’t ignore the small openings you may get to discuss important life-choice issues. Don’t be too busy when your child mentions something related or something that a friend is doing. Instead, ask, “What do you think about that.” and follow up with some open-ended “why” or “what do you think he/she should have done” questions. Do not jump in and start giving your opinion! They may even answer a question with a question after a “why” question – like “I don’t know, what would you do?”! Great opening!
You can also find a third party that you know your child admires. Call them and talk the issue or situation over with this person to see if they might be able to help. This isn’t as gratifying as providing advice directly, but it can be very effective. This can be a teacher, youth pastor, dad of their best friend, a sibling, and, of course, their mom. You can work an AI chat session together as a great conversation encourager and guide.
I don’t recommend just turning the whole issue over to a counselor or psychiatrist unless you have joint sessions. This is an abdication of your responsibility, and most kids know that they are being handed off because the parents are “done with it” or just consider them beyond normal help. You also don’t know whether they are getting good advice or not.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes and do 80% listening vs. 20% talking.
Security and Financial Support
Many of my older friends have completely forgotten that they supported their families with food, shelter, clothing, cars, entertainment money, schooling, healthcare, etc. for 20+ years – and they are in retirement or a career looking for “purpose”. Well, my friends, if you have been the provider or co-provider, there are at least a few people on this Earth that you have kept out of poverty, homelessness, hunger, etc. That is pretty good servanthood, compassion, and contribution right there – even if your job isn’t directly a more fulfilling “service” job. Please don’t forget this.
One aspect of being a good father is, then, taking care of your family on a physical well-being basis. You may not “be there” to help get them dressed or drive them to school, but you shouldn’t underestimate the value of them having clothes and a good car to ride in. You may not be the one who “nurses them back to health”, but you may be the one providing the healthcare insurance. The roles may be reversed in your marriage, and you may be the one who does things for your kids directly. In this case, you would be the one who makes it possible for the “earner” to do their job while the kids are taken care of at home. No problem with this at all. Maybe it is a team sharing arrangement in both dimensions with your family. Being a productive contributor and pulling your weight is the point here.
Providing for their safety in a good house and car is important, of course. Beyond the monetarily-connected aspects, you also have an obligation to provide for their safety and security through decisions you might make. Don’t, for example, endanger them by driving drunk, picking high risk family activities, or being careless with your own life. As a leader/dad, you need to be very aware of this. When you were on your own as a single person, you didn’t have this responsibility as much. Now you do if you want to be a good dad.
Working, Playing, and Communicating Together
We used to hear a lot about “quality time” – and this section is about that.
The main point I want to make here is about communicating. When your kids (or their mom) want to talk to you, drop what you are doing, mute the ball game, turn off the 24x7 news, quit working on the computer (I’ve been tested on this a few times while writing this), don’t walk out of the room to do something important (like take out the trash), and don’t turn on the disposal or leaf blower. Give them your attention and ask a few follow-up questions. With children, this may be your only opportunity to give that advice referenced above. If these people (wife and children) are truly valuable in your life, show it by listening.
Playing together is also very important – especially with younger children. We wonder why kids are so tied up with computer games or TV? Maybe because they get 100% attention from these “channels” and only 25% from you. If they are already into the computer games, you may have to learn some of these games in order to enter their world these days. If computer games are “it”, at least invest in the multi-player large screen technology so there is the potential for some interaction with others in the family. If, on the other hand, your kid is playing with something like blocks or Legos on the floor, lay or sit down right on the floor to get the best engagement. Let them show thieir stuff rather than being the “know-it-all”. If they are ADHD, just go with the swapping from activity to activity vs. turning it into pressure to stick with it. Be the person who taught them how to ride a bike (find a gentle slope and start them in the grass), how to swim, how to drive, how to hit a ball, etc. Don’t just farm it out to some coach, camp or lesson if you can avoid it. Don’t push them too much beyond their comfort levels if you want them to love the game you are playing with them.
I mention “work” in this section because I think it is very valuable for kids to feel that they have produced something of practical value — and to do it with their friend/dad. Be willing to put up with a little mess (like painting — outside for starters) or quality issues (like the first time they mow the lawn). Take them to your office and let them sit at your desk or do simple things to help out. Give them simple coding problems if you are an IT person or spreadsheet problems if you are in accounting. If you work on the computer, sit with them to do your work while they are doing their homework.
Values and Faith/Hope Foundation
Again, this a huge “example” area and almost nothing you can say will override the example you set through your actions. In my case, as a somewhat regretted shortcoming on my part, I know I demonstrated that working for someone else in a large company was filled with “problems” – much more than making sure my kids were aware of the benefits as well. As a positive example, my parents made sure that we all saw “work ethic” as a key to life success – through their actions much more than just their words. I won’t go into a litany of various specific advised “top ten” and “Golden Rule” virtues here, but you get the point.
I do want to address the value of “faith/hope” here specifically, however, because it is such an important value. Without a positive worldview of hopefulness, your children have every incentive to just give up. I encourage you to help them look at the glass as half-full and appreciate the blessings they receive with gratitude and hope – even if many of these rewards are in the soul, spirit, relationship, love, and afterlife realms. (I, myself, am a strong believer in Jesus and find great joy and hope in His promises of forgiveness and eternal life.) Your attitude determines your altitude and “as a man thinketh so is he”. Faith and hope for eventual positive outcomes can carry one through many challenges and provide the foundation for perseverance that leads to success. I believe that instilling positive believing in the form that rings most true is a major responsibility for all dads.
I would also like to mention some of the “softer” values that Jesus exemplified and promoted for the world -- because we are “the man” and it is probably second nature to most of us stress “man up” and tough love. The dad is the person most likely looked to for driving the virtues of courage, strength, perseverance, fortitude, work ethic, achievement, standing tall against bullies, not giving up – and these are all very important virtues that you will need to exemplify and be able to advise on. In addition, though, you will need to make sure that your children see the nicer side of the “tough man” -- as a person who is strong but embodies the very important virtues of love, forgiveness, mercy, relationships, listening, encouragement, fairness, kindness, purity, holiness, compassion, second chances, soul, etc.
Enjoying the Process
Are you a happy and joyful person who brightens up a room and brings joy to your wife and children? Do you show (here’s the “example” thing again), that a life of love, hope, and joy is possible – and that being your children’s dad is a blessing?
In hopes of getting pity points, do you send out “vibes” that this family and children thing is a burden? Do you spend most of your fatherhood time looking at the challenges and “management by exception” or the bright spots? Some of us have rarely stopped to think about the positives in relative balance – especially as we are living the life real time.
If you want to be a good or great dad or father, you need to “accentuate the positive” regarding this role in your life. Get away from being “Eeyore” (look it up) and generally be more like “Tigger” regarding your children and marriage. It won’t hurt and, as Zig Ziglar says, “”Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will”.
How do you do this? The simplest method is to write down 20 positive things about being the father of each child and your wife/marriage (multiple lists of 20 each). Keep these lists with you and in front of you. Add to them daily or weekly. Reread them and pray over them daily. You will become “mindful” of the benefits vs. just the challenges of fatherhood. Your children and wife will start to sense that they are valued and loved like never before – and you will start to “enjoy the living of it” more than ever before.
Summary
Not much to add here. If you don’t do anything else, take care of your wife and their mom – and do what I have suggested regarding enjoying the process. Fatherhood is a tough, but very rewarding and enjoyable aspect of life and I wish you all the best!